Time to Man Up

The following entry is very tough for me to write, on a lot of levels. Thanks for reading.

Recently, my son has been having some trouble – mainly, just not liking school, and not liking how hard I am on him about it. I decided to take him for a field trip last night. We started driving, and I talked to him about me being hard on him because I love him, and me being the one responsible to show him how to “be a man”, and all that good stuff. I explained to him that dads are always harder than mom’s, and it’s a great responsibility that God has given fathers and husbands, etc.

I drove him past the state penitentiary in Jessup, and told him that up to 80% of the residents there look like me and him, and that probably 90% of them didn’t have a dad being hard on them, and pushing them to do well in school. I told him that if we were to ask, most of them would have wished that they had a dad being hard on them and showing them the right way. I also explained to him what happens in prison…in full detail! I then took him to West Baltimore, and showed him corners where drug dealers were (and he actually got to see a transaction take place), and showed him someone who was doing the ‘dopefiene lean’. I talked to him about the lack of education, and what can happen without it, and what can happen without a father who is pushing you to fly straight.

Finally, I took him to the corner where, in a hail of bullets, I was spared. Where I was given a second chance to fly straight and do right. I explained to him that our decisions define who we are. I explained that the decision to stay in school, hang out in the right places with the right people, stay with God, and obey your parents will make life a lot easier. I explained to him that there are always exceptions to the rule (Barack Obama), but that by having your father in your life to be hard on you greatly reduces your chances of becoming a statistic. Everything seemed to really be an eye opening experience for him.

What happened next, I knew would happen one day, but not yesterday. He asked me why his first father doesn’t care like I do. He said, “You know, the one who wasn’t ready for me”? I had to explain to him that not all men take care of their responsibilities, and when they don’t, they can ruin a child’s life forever. I told him that his ‘biological’ is the one missing out, not him. This was very tough to talk about, without bashing his ‘biological’. I also told him that when he is ready, I will help him find his ‘biological’ so that he can ask him for himself.

This, along with a conversation with my best friend, led me to think about the impact of men leaving their children. My son has not seen or heard from his ‘biological’ since he was one, and obviously, doesn’t remember that. Yet, there is still pain in his heart because of this. He has no closure, and he wants to know what he could have done differently to make his ‘biological’ stay around. Despite me, his father, being at every game he’s ever played in (except one game when he was six), and despite me coaching him in every sport, taking him to every practice, helping him with his homework, teaching him to play chess, playing the Xbox with him, fixing his bike, teaching him to play golf, teaching him to fish, taking him to baseball, football, and hockey games, and providing a roof over his head, clothes on his back, and food on his table, for the last 7 years, he still has a yearning for more. He yearns for something I can never give him.

I’m writing this today because I want to urge ALL fathers, even if you have never even seen your child, to call them. Build a relationship with them, no matter how minimal it may be. They may already have a man in their life who is loving them like you should, but don’t, and they may not need anything more than to know that they aren’t to blame for your mistake. They are not the mistake, the mistake is the choice you made by abandoning them. That’s all they need to know. You don’t have to get them every other weekend; you don’t have to call them every day. You just need to tell them, “It’s me, not you”. Give them the closure that they need. Let them live in peace, and be as much a part of their life that you, them, and their mother can agree to. If you are a mother doing the same thing, then I urge you to do the same.

That’s all – thanks for reading.